LET'S TALK ABOUT GENDER

And mainly the fact that I'm having a little trouble grasping the concept.

The norwegian word for gender means the socially constructed gender, but it also means "genitals". And to me, gender is purely the latter. It's a physical part of you, you're born with it and it can do great stuff and that's where it ends. It has nothing to do with you as a person. So here's where I get confused. I realize some people just haven't 'got it' yet, and honestly mean that being born with certain parts means you must act a certain way, but to me that's just as silly as saying all blondes are dumb and gingers have no soul. The thought of defining an entire personality from some physical traits you just happen to be born with is just bizarre to me. And it always has been.

This is rooted in my childhood I believe. I grew up in the 90s, I'd seen the traditional gender roles on TV and such, but as it wasn't the reality in my house it was just something "someone else did". Which is still how I view a lot of stuff in the world, I know stuff exists and happens to people, but it's to other people. Not me. I'm a feminist, I think feminism is very important but I've never thought it to be relevant to me. To women, yes. Not me, I'm just a supporter.

I'm sure people still get affected by gender roles out there, but I haven't really experienced them personally.

As a kid, I cut my hair short so I could look like my hero Rasmus På Luffen, and never wore dresses as they were a pain to play and climb trees with. My dream career was becoming a cowboy or a pirate (you can just imagine how my world crumbled the day I realized those weren't really professions.) I didn't look or act like a boy OR a girl, because I was a child and that was that. I still remember the day I discovered that not everyone saw things that way, it was in first grade; I was 7, it was a very warm day, all the boys took off their t-shirts, and naturally I did the same. And it took some of the other girls less than a second to inform me that I'd done something horribly wrong. I tried to tell them that I understand it's different when you grow up, but we were kids and still looked the identical, how could it be wrong for me to be shirtless and not them?

It was no point however, I put my shirt back on as quickly as possible and was mortified and ashamed for years after that, but at the same time I was furious because I KNEW I'd done nothing wrong. That is still the only time in my lilfe I've felt SHAME, and it's a horrible, HORRIBLE feeling and the thought that people spend entire lives with it breaks my heart.

After that dreadful experience I tried to fit in like everyone else, and didn't feel comfortable in my own skin until I was in my twenties. Partially because of the terrible teens and twelve years of menstruating. I cried myself to sleep and couldn't think of anything I'd want more than to rip out that cursed, useless womb. I still don't care for it, but now it's deactivated thanks to some blessed progestin-shots. It's like getting injectet with a fresh will to live every three months, my entire life changed the day I started on them. For real.

Of course, I'd much rather rip the thing out and not need the shots, but surgery is a much bigger deal. Sure, I might fantasize about a beautiful flat chest and dream that my tatas will fall off someday but as I'm only an A-cup and it feels severe to chop body parts off I'll just tolerate them for the time being. Again, surgery's serious.
It's not something you do unless its completely necessary, it's dangerous, everyone knows that, and yet some people still think it's a reasonable thing to make people do if all they want is to use a different pronoun than the one their birth parts corresponds with. Bizarre.

I'm priveliged. I'm well aware that I am. I'm a white Norwegian human. And yes, I am technically a female as I was born with female parts, but apart from that childhood experience mentioned earlier I have rarely experienced being treated like anything other than a person. In fact, the only time in my everyday life I give a though to gender is when I have to choose which toilet to use. And even there I'm not fussy, I'll use the gents' if the ladies' is busy (as it usually is) and since men rarely loiter around in there I have not yet experienced someone telling me to GTFO.

So until I do I'll just cruise through life on my ridiculously high horse, and try to keep in mind that I'm WAY luckier than most people.